1. San Jose – The Earthquakes trade their first pick to the Oakland A’s for third baseman Eric Chavez and a cash considerations. Chavez turns out to have more futbol skills than anybody anticipated, and San Jose uses the cash acquired in the trade to build and extra stand for their stadium which currently fits about 5 people. The A’s pick Patrick Nyarko with the first pick and he becomes the next Rickey Henderson……..without the multiple comeback attempts at the end of his career.
2. FC Dallas – With the second pick of the draft Dallas decides to look towards the future and drafts a lock of hair from Juan Toja’s magical mullet. Dallas explains that they will use Toja’s hair to create 11 Toja clones so they will be able to field an all out hustling, intimidating hair team in the year 2028. Unfortunately even with this formidable lineup they will still fail to win MLS cup XXXII.
3. Real Salt Lake – In quite possibly his most genius move since becoming coach of Real Salt Lake, Jason Kreis trades his pick to the creator of the upcoming movie Cloverfield so he can see what the monster looks like before everybody else, and in turn ruin it for everybody. Outrage from the movie being spoiled causes RSL fans to forcibly remove Kreis from his coaching position, leading to the appointment of a 6 year old in his place that does significantly better as coach and leads them to the playoffs.
4. LA Galaxy – Using his unparalleled genius, Alexi Lalas makes the most shocking pick of the draft, selecting himself with the fourth pick. Alexi champions the selection as the beginning of turning the Galaxy into a world recognized “superclub,” and predicts that this pick will help change their fortunes for the upcoming season.
5. Colorado Rapids – They’ll probably pick defender Chance Meyers from UCLA. They really don’t interest me enough to write anything about them. They’re boring. Really boring.
6. Columbus Crew – The Crew use their pick to select the current president of Argentina (insert name here) so he or she can possibly talk Guillermo Barros Schellotto A.K.A “their whole team” into coming back to Columbus. The president’s talk with Schelotto doesn’t manage to bring him back to the Crew, but it does allow them to ink 3 Patagonian wilderness guides without having to use allocations.
7. New York Red Bulls – In doing what nobody saw coming, the Red Bulls manage to select a player they had already selected in a previous draft by selecting Steve Shak once again. Shak, currently working at a deli in northern New Jersey, was surprised to hear the news as he wasn’t eligible to be drafted in the first place. Shak responded to the exciting news by stating, “I’ll try to be good this time around.”
8. FC Dallas – Having selected for the future with their first pick in the first round, Dallas decides to select Dario Sala’s boxing coach with the 8th pick, hoping that he’ll be able to instill some fire in their players and teach them that mean right hook he taught Sala. Upon hearing this news, Hunter Freeman promptly pees his pants and feigns injury when the Red Bulls play Dallas.
9. Toronto FC – In what could go down as the most complicated draft day trade in history, Mo Johnston trades this pick to LA for the rest of their picks in the draft. He then takes those picks and trades them to the New York Islanders for the rights to Chris Simon. He then trades the rights to Chris Simon to UFC for Rampage Jacksons chain and a million dollars, which he then gives to McDonalds for a lifetime supply of Big Macs. Johnston subsequently uses these Big Macs to lure Ronaldo from AC Milan to Toronto where he scores more goals in one season than Toronto did all last year.
10. Toronto FC – See above.
11. Kansas City – The Wizards use their only pick of the first round to select a witty copywriter to come up with cheesy nicknames for all of their players, so everybody will no longer be jealous of Eddie “Grown Ass Man” Johnson. Some of the hideous nicknames developed for the rest of the players include: Kevin “The Hitman” Hartman, Scott “Im not Eddie Johnson” Sealy, and finally Jose “I use a protractor to cut my hair” Burciaga Jr.
12. Chicago Fire – Chicago uses their pick to buy a terminator to go back in time and prevent Peter Wilt from being fired. Unfortunately for Fire fans Sarah Conner comes out of nowhere and kills the terminator, thus consigning Fire fans to their current fate with Steve Guppy in control.
13. New England – Wanting to break the curse of always losing in MLS cup, the Revs use their pick to select New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick. With his sweatshirt wearing, douchebag way of coaching, Belichick leads the Revs to their first MLS cup. Although they win the title, people still hate them because their coach is a massive tool.
14. Real Salt Lake – With the organization still reeling over Kreis’ decision to use RSL’s previous pick to watch Cloverfield before it comes out, they decide to give the pick to the people of Salt Lake so they can do what they want with it. Unfortunately they trade the pick to secure a public screening of Cloverfield before the movie comes out. Even with the two wasted picks, RSL is still better off because of their new six year old coach who is now at the helm.
