Preview: Red Bulls Vs Maple Leafs FC

Ahhhh another thursday night means another edition of MLS Primetime Thursdays, with this weeks matchup taking place up in Maple Syrup-Ville as the Red Bulls take on Toronto FC. It should be a good matchup as Toronto isn't the example of soccer futility anymore and the Red Bulls have been playing pretty decent the last couple games. The only way to break down this matchup is to assess the teams strengths and weaknesses:

Red Bulls Strengths:

Jozy "ridiculous man-child" Altidore - Jozy lives for the spotlight and it wouldn't surprise me to see him go apeshit and roof one in the upper corner on Toronto tonight. That being said, it also helps that the likes of Marco Velez should be marking him............that's like putting Mark Madsen on Lebron James.....successful defending will just not materialize out of that matchup folks.

The return of JPA - If Angel does indeed play tonight, we could see a ritualistic massacre of the Toronto defense if him and the man child get the service they need.................but that's a big if. But just remember what happened last time Angel played in T-Dot:

Red Bulls Weaknesses:

John Conway - Nuff said...................the guy is 18 feet tall and still cant block some easy shots. If he couldn't block a Larentowitz free kick right at him, how is he gonna stop Laurent Roberts rocket launcher on his left foot? And how will he stop any of the class free kicks Amado Guevara can produce?? This point alone could make for an interesting and high scoring game.

The midfield......or lack thereof - The matchup between TFC's suddenly awesome midfield and RBNY's extremely unawesome midfield will probably decide the game tonight. I honestly cant see Claudio Reyna doing much against the buzzsaw in Carl Robinson and the box to box middie in Mo Edu...........I also cant see him doing much because he really hasn't done much during his time in NY except for last game against San Jose but they're an expansion team, so like all of Barry Bonds' home runs when he was 'roided up, that performance from Reyna technically doesn't count.

TFC Strengths:

Bat-Shit Crazy Fans - Say whatever you want when it comes to who have the best fans in the league but in my opinion its not even close, and that makes TFC extremely hard to beat at home. That being said, the one thing I request of TFC fans tonight is that you not start the "this is our house!" chant if you are losing..........especially by alot...........that happened alot last year and it didn't reflect well on your overall intelligence.

Uber Midfield - As stated before in the Red Bulls weaknesses, the disparity between the two midfields is huge and it could help turn this game tonight into a rout of epic proportions. Head Coach John Carver has come in and transformed the midfield into a deadly possession/ triangle passing team, with dangerous skill at every middie position. I wouldn't be surprised if Osorio has to take Reyna out at halftime in order to keep him from being absolutely brutalized for another half, although I hope that Claudio makes me eat my words.

TFC Weaknessess:

Marco "i fuck up alot" Velez - If the RBNY has any smarts at all on their coaching staff, and I'm pretty sure that's what they picked up Osorio for, then they will unleash an all out assault on TFC defender Marco Velez. He is far and away the weakest link on their defense and is prone to unbelievably stupid mistakes at times(example of his shambolic defending).

El Lobo's Temper - With Guevara tearing up the league since returning a couple of weeks ago you gotta figure that hes in for another good game against a less than full strength RBNY team. The one factor is that he may be pressing his game because he will feel like he has something to prove against his old team. That can mean two things: that he either plays out of his mind and pulls a ridiculous goal out of his ass........or that he gets frustrated and lets that famous temper of his take over and take him out of his game. I'm going to lean towards the latter just because I think Osorio will have Stammler shadowing Guevara and that combined with the shitty conditions in the rain tonight will make for an angry Amado.

Prediction:
As much as it pains me to say this, the gulf between the two midfields will be too great for RBNY to overcome and they will be unlucky on a few chances and lose 3-1 with Angel getting a goal in his first game back if he plays. I also predict that there will be another douchebag/asshat Toronto fan who will throw a flare or smoke bomb on the field, damaging the already shitty field turf.

Awesome.

Courtesy of Nikefootball.com comes one of the sickest commercials you will ever see......enjoy.

Power(Less) Rankings

Its been awhile since I've posted on here but I'm serious this time when I say there will be regular updates. I'm graduating from college so I wont have any more papers to bullshit which means a lot more free time to blog(as a side note anybody who needs a writer or has a job opening in media in the NY area give me an email....*wink* *wink*) on all things futbol. So much has happened since I last left you......but I have returned and am bringing gifts in the form of the new "Power(less)" rankings which celebrate the best in MLS futility. So without further wait.........

1. Chivas USA's Defense - Ah how the mighty have fallen...........what was a strength for them last year now resembles that of the traffic cone variety. Seriously, anybody who allows Alan "Anti-Goals" Gordon to get two goals and an assist on them deserves to be relegated to kinderkickers to learn the fundamentals of defense. Hopefully their defenders can turn it around and stop looking like stationary barbershop poles and more like defenders.

2. Dema Kovalenko's Goalie Skills -
As he is a sponsor of this site I'm not sure I should be bringing this up but I think for a moment during the D.C. game this past weekend, Dema Kovalenko forgot that he wasn't a goalie. Although it was illegal I must give kudos to Kovalenko for putting in a better goalkeeping effort than Brad Guzan in recent weeks.



3. HDNET - I have seen soccer games in HD before and I must say that they truly are as my friend Ken would say....."the tits." But although the games look awesome does it really matter if no one is around to see it? I'm all for the league getting money wherever it can, but HDNET is like the island on LOST(without the hot chicks and crazy smoke monster) when it comes to MLS games, the highlights of which all but disappear never to be found again. Hopefully one day archaeologists will be able to discover the HDNET archives and show us all their footy highlights in their crisp high-definition glory.



4. MLS Fantasy - I must admit when I was in first place in my league earlier this year I had no problems with MLS Fantasy but after dropping to third after Landycakes goal orgy in the notsosuperclassico, I have a bone to pick with whoever is running this thing. While I realise that defenders haven't really become important in reality in MLS due to the buttload of goals being scored right now, why even have them in fantasy if they don't get points for playing like last year? I seriously would like to run a 0-5-5 but unfortunately its not allowed in MLS fantasy, and it would probably do me much better than getting -5 from my defenders each week. Also the importance of goalies is too much this year.........I seriously shouldn't be getting 80 bugillion points because bouna time pulled some ridiculous saves out of ass and Chad Barrett cant kick one into the ocean........but I digress.......I would be glad to hear from anyone with good fantasy tips.

5. Dario Sala's Goalkeeping -

I don't really have much to say about Sala's non save on thursday night other than the fact that hes on my fantasy team which probably explains my current standing. But seriously how do you let that go in?? I've seen old people walk across the street faster than that shot..........its not like he shot it with his left foot which has power but the accuracy of a Ben Wallace jump shot........he shot it with his right foot which is the equivalent of a potato pellet gun. Hopefully Sala will take some notes from Kovalenko and make that save next time.

GAM On His Way To MLS FC

A couple of days ago Steven Goff reported on his Soccer Insider blog that GAM had left US Training camp in order to finalize a deal with MLS FC (Fulham FC), and now it appears that MLS has about $3.2 Million reasons to let him go. Should this move actually go through, Johnson will become approximately the 22nd American born player on their roster. The reason that this move seemingly makes no sense is that Johnson supposedly didn't want to go Derby in the summer because they were like the Raiders of the EPL..........Awful. Extremely awful. But in moving to MLS FC, he has kind of made a lateral move quality-wise. It's like picking the Knicks over the T-Wolves right now as They both suck. Alot. In terms of comparing this to the Twellman situation, I dont see what his problem is as Preston North End isn't exactly a step up from MLS at all except that the Dollar sucks compared to the Euro, Pound and everything else these days.............except for the loonie...............HA!.............take that Canada!

The Orange Card's 2008 Mock Superdraft

It's draft time again, and no other place will give you a more detailed lowdown of what each team is going to do this year. This information comes straight from MLS insiders, so you will find it nowhere else. So without further interruption I give you The Orange Cards first ever mock Superdraft.

1. San Jose – The Earthquakes trade their first pick to the Oakland A’s for third baseman Eric Chavez and a cash considerations. Chavez turns out to have more futbol skills than anybody anticipated, and San Jose uses the cash acquired in the trade to build and extra stand for their stadium which currently fits about 5 people. The A’s pick Patrick Nyarko with the first pick and he becomes the next Rickey Henderson……..without the multiple comeback attempts at the end of his career.

2. FC Dallas – With the second pick of the draft Dallas decides to look towards the future and drafts a lock of hair from Juan Toja’s magical mullet. Dallas explains that they will use Toja’s hair to create 11 Toja clones so they will be able to field an all out hustling, intimidating hair team in the year 2028. Unfortunately even with this formidable lineup they will still fail to win MLS cup XXXII.

3. Real Salt Lake – In quite possibly his most genius move since becoming coach of Real Salt Lake, Jason Kreis trades his pick to the creator of the upcoming movie Cloverfield so he can see what the monster looks like before everybody else, and in turn ruin it for everybody. Outrage from the movie being spoiled causes RSL fans to forcibly remove Kreis from his coaching position, leading to the appointment of a 6 year old in his place that does significantly better as coach and leads them to the playoffs.

4. LA Galaxy – Using his unparalleled genius, Alexi Lalas makes the most shocking pick of the draft, selecting himself with the fourth pick. Alexi champions the selection as the beginning of turning the Galaxy into a world recognized “superclub,” and predicts that this pick will help change their fortunes for the upcoming season.

5. Colorado Rapids – They’ll probably pick defender Chance Meyers from UCLA. They really don’t interest me enough to write anything about them. They’re boring. Really boring.

6. Columbus Crew – The Crew use their pick to select the current president of Argentina (insert name here) so he or she can possibly talk Guillermo Barros Schellotto A.K.A “their whole team” into coming back to Columbus. The president’s talk with Schelotto doesn’t manage to bring him back to the Crew, but it does allow them to ink 3 Patagonian wilderness guides without having to use allocations.

7. New York Red Bulls – In doing what nobody saw coming, the Red Bulls manage to select a player they had already selected in a previous draft by selecting Steve Shak once again. Shak, currently working at a deli in northern New Jersey, was surprised to hear the news as he wasn’t eligible to be drafted in the first place. Shak responded to the exciting news by stating, “I’ll try to be good this time around.”

8. FC Dallas – Having selected for the future with their first pick in the first round, Dallas decides to select Dario Sala’s boxing coach with the 8th pick, hoping that he’ll be able to instill some fire in their players and teach them that mean right hook he taught Sala. Upon hearing this news, Hunter Freeman promptly pees his pants and feigns injury when the Red Bulls play Dallas.

9. Toronto FC – In what could go down as the most complicated draft day trade in history, Mo Johnston trades this pick to LA for the rest of their picks in the draft. He then takes those picks and trades them to the New York Islanders for the rights to Chris Simon. He then trades the rights to Chris Simon to UFC for Rampage Jacksons chain and a million dollars, which he then gives to McDonalds for a lifetime supply of Big Macs. Johnston subsequently uses these Big Macs to lure Ronaldo from AC Milan to Toronto where he scores more goals in one season than Toronto did all last year.

10. Toronto FC – See above.

11. Kansas City – The Wizards use their only pick of the first round to select a witty copywriter to come up with cheesy nicknames for all of their players, so everybody will no longer be jealous of Eddie “Grown Ass Man” Johnson. Some of the hideous nicknames developed for the rest of the players include: Kevin “The Hitman” Hartman, Scott “Im not Eddie Johnson” Sealy, and finally Jose “I use a protractor to cut my hair” Burciaga Jr.

12. Chicago Fire – Chicago uses their pick to buy a terminator to go back in time and prevent Peter Wilt from being fired. Unfortunately for Fire fans Sarah Conner comes out of nowhere and kills the terminator, thus consigning Fire fans to their current fate with Steve Guppy in control.

13. New England – Wanting to break the curse of always losing in MLS cup, the Revs use their pick to select New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick. With his sweatshirt wearing, douchebag way of coaching, Belichick leads the Revs to their first MLS cup. Although they win the title, people still hate them because their coach is a massive tool.

14. Real Salt Lake – With the organization still reeling over Kreis’ decision to use RSL’s previous pick to watch Cloverfield before it comes out, they decide to give the pick to the people of Salt Lake so they can do what they want with it. Unfortunately they trade the pick to secure a public screening of Cloverfield before the movie comes out. Even with the two wasted picks, RSL is still better off because of their new six year old coach who is now at the helm.

Eduardo Scores AGAIN; Arsenal Advances

Eduardo, one of the 50 Trillion Brazilians currently playing in Europe, scored for what has to be the 495th time in the last 10 games and led Arsenal to a victory in the 3rd round of the FA cup. Although they were challenged slightly, they eventually kept the universe in order and came through with the win. What makes this unbelievably scary for all those who are not Arsenal fans (luckily not me), is that they have people like Gilberto, Denilson (the good, young one), and Eduardo who aren't even starters or first team regulars. With his team of teenagers who are closer in age to Tweens than young professionals, Arsene Wenger has made everyone eat crow for thinking he couldn't turn these tots into title contenders. We'll see how far he can take these kids, as I have a feeling they can suprise some people not only in the EPL but the Champions League as well.

Its The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year....

Ahhh. Its January, which means it's a new year and it's the beginning of the season every futbol fan looks forward to all year. Yes.....it's transfer window time, where managers bolster their teams for title runs and bad teams acquire players to upgrade to mediocrity. For my beloved Arsenal, they are challenging for the prem league title and will probably not make any major moves. They just have to keep from being distracted by goldenballs and his freekicks while he trains with them to prepare for the 2008 MLS season. Over in MLS land, several teams are poised to add cheap talent to their rosters: DC might have found the next Erpen, and several rumors have linked the geriatric Figo with LA LA land. If your like me, your anxiously awaiting what this wonderful time of year is going to bring us; but to me it can't be better than George Constanza's answering machine. Random reference I know, but it is too classic to forget..................Enjoy: