US v. Japan thoughts

Well as you all know I'm sure the US is atop their group with a not so convincing win today. For the first 23 minutes or so the United States dominated the game controlling the ball, creating chances, and leaving Japan only with a counter attack. The domination ended with a cheeky set play from a corner which left a Japanese player all alone at the far post with an empty net..... but he was nice enough to put it wide! For the rest of the half McBride got fouled from behind around 72 times and Adu put numerous shots high and wide. In the second half the US jumped out to a 1-0 lead with a rip from Stuart Holden. The game was back and forth from there on out and ended with a 1-0 scoreline.


For the US here are some Pros and Cons from what I gathered:

First the Cons:

• Our outside backs were thrashed throughout the game getting beaten constantly. Wynne though he played a large part in the goal, was not good enough defending. Orozco did nothing......
  


• Freddy struggled up front I thought. I don't think he had any shots on goal for the duration of the game and he held onto the ball toooooooo long. He needs to be placed in the midfield for Kljestan who as far as I'm concerned was nonexistent all game and place Jozy upfront w/ McBride.
  


• We should have lost the game in a nutshell. The Japanese had much more chances then the US with empty nets and one on one headers that should have been buried. If the Dutch or Nigerians get any of those chances.... we're done.



• We needed to get our subs in earlier then the 75th min. some payers were dragging across the field and we almost paid the ultimate price.
  

Now for the good news.

• Holden and Rogers absolutely dominated the wings at the other end of the pitch. If Rogers keeps playing like he did today I wouldn't be surprised if he gets picked up at the end of the transfer market.



• Edu played great in the back, though towards the end of the game he did get a little chippy and dragged someone down in the box for what should have been a PK.



• We dominated the first 23 min of the game if we could keep that up for a full 90 min we could beat anyone in the tourney. But for now we've got 3 pts and are atop our group, all we need now is a win against either the Netherlands or Nigeria and we're through to the knockout stages.

Chelsea Possible €100 million Bid for Kaka

I just got wind of this story. Besides Kaka being he amazing player that he is, it is quite odd to me that Chelsea would want him now, because last I heard was that Scolari was wanted to thin out the team... now he's picking up another midfielder? Frankly I dont understand it unless they're going to play him up top possibly along side Drogba because their midfield is stronger then this cat. They've got Lamps, Essien, Deco, Cole, Makelele, and Ballack just to name a few of them.

But besides all that.. every team could use Kaka.. and I hope he makes the trip over to London because as soon as he does, he's going to be on my fantasy team.

Pros and Cons of the MLS All-Star Game

In a few days the MLS will host their annual All-Star game in Toronto at BMO Stadium. This year they will be put up against West Ham a middle to low end of the table club in the EPL.


But lets get down to brass tacks (I never really got that saying.. does anyone really know where that comes from). I'd like to start with the pros because I'm a positive guy.


The All-Star game will rake in a lot of money. All those little MLS fans out there that don't know any better, and will want to buy the jersey of their hero. So everyone go out and buy one... the MLS needs the money.


Every American (besides myself and some others out there) thinks its such a great thing to have all the best players from around the league playing in one stadium. I'm sure that everyone will be tuning in to the game for a number of reasons, first and most importantly I'm sure everyone would like to see a massive fight in the stands... cause we all know how lovely the West Ham supporters are.



Its sad but that's all I can really think of..... now for the cons....



I don't think I'm going to number these because I love to ramble.. to shoot down my #2 above... yeah its the best players from around the league..... to be honest I'd rather watch a game between any of the big four in England (Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man Utd (in alphabetical order)). This is very different from say a MLB, NBA, or NFL All-Star game where you do have the best players from around the world. This is a match where star players from our home front will play against a team that will never again break the the top four in the premiership. Which isn't that exciting.

I also don't like how they bring in a team from abroad to play. Personally I'd like to see a classic East v. West game where they showcase all the best players in the league. I'm sure most of them would be designated players but at least you'll be able to see 22 of your favorite players not just the 11 that will be playing in a few days.

I can see how they want to showcase the MLS as they take on a European team, but why not bring in Barca or Man Utd. I'm sure they would love to give the MLS stars a good shellacking. I see this as the league bringing in a team that will likely lose to the team of MLS wonders so the league can glorify the hell out of it..

Overall I think it's great for an up and coming league such as the MLS, it'll give the league some recognition on the home front.. and we can yet again beat those damn red coats at their own game. So yay All-Star game!!

Good Riddance: Reyna Retires

As first reported on Soccer By Ives, Claudio Reyna is finally doing the right thing and retiring.......thus allowing the Red Bulls to purchase a player with his vacant DP spot. I would write a congratulatory post on all of his accomplishments, but seeing as how he didn't wanna take a buyout to help the team he wasn't helping.......I think I'm gonna hold off on that for a while. I think this is like God's b-day present to me since mine is coming up on Friday........I couldn't have asked for a better one unless the Red Bulls go out and buy Henry with the new found DP slot and cap space?????........OK I'm probably pushing it but you never know.........If your around NYC and you see a guy who looks way too happy and is doing a drunken jig then its probably me.......wow, what a great day it is to be a Red Bulls fan.

A Video Compilation of Chad Barrett Missed Finishes

This video comes to us courtesy of Scaryice over at Climbing the Ladder, and I'm really left speechless by some of these misses. I mean I knew Barrett was an awful finisher (reminder: his job is to finish) but this video basically sums it up so even the most soccer illiterate person can realize how bad some of these are............so please enjoy, and if you have small children in the room you might want to tell them to leave or to avert/cover their eyes:

Hangman Striker.. pretty cool game

I was bored at work and discovered this game. Do you like hangman?.. Do you know your footy strikers?... Test your knowledge HERE

The Orange Card's 2008 Superliga Preview

Ahhhh yes its July and to American soccer fans that means the oppressive heat has returned to the east coast, MLS games are slowing down to a crawling pace, and the 2nd edition of Superliga is right around the corner. Last years tournament featured games with passion not really found in many MLS games, and that helped suck in a legion of MLS fans to this young fledgling tournament and turn it into something special. Theres two new teams representing the two leagues on either side and one of those MLS teams (the Revs) actually has a chance to win it this year. So lets not waste anymore time and delve right into The Orange Card's 2008 Superliga preview.

1. The Return of Captain Douche Sparrow - As much as I want to hate on Miguel Calero for looking like a giant douchy pirate with that bandana he wears, the man knows how to play the goalkeeping position the way it should be played. Many times during last years tournament he saved Pachuca and led them to become the eventual champions. As much as I admire his goalkeeping skills I cant get over the bandana. cmon man.........stop wearing that shit already, you look foolish.

2. No Dero 4 U? - There's been a rumor going around that Dwayne Derosario could be on his way to FC Copenhagen in Denmark soon. That would probably mean he'd be yanked away during Superliga which would suck for Houston fans because their team is already anemic when it comes to scoring goals. They need Dero there to score.......I mean after all, who on the Dynamo can pull holy shit kicks out of their ass like he can:

3. DCU Is Entering Competition 1,300 of 5,000 - Seriously the schedule for DC United this season is ridiculous and for their sake I would hope they focus one trophy and try to go for it because theres no way they're winning multiple silverware this season. They should look at Superliga as the best chance they have to win some silverware this season and gain some cash to help pay ultra-high rent they pay to turn the lights on at RFK every Saturday. They really don't have the depth to win multiple cups..........I mean who are they gonna bring off the bench, Cordiero and Quavas Kirk? I've played people better than them at Chelsea Piers for godsakes....on a side note I really hope Quavas Kirk legally changes his first name to something that doesn't sound like an outer lying planet in the Star Wars universe.

4. The Revs Could Take It All - It pains me to say this because I always enjoy the Revs being the Buffalo Bills of MLS every year in everything, but I think they could take the Superliga this year. In my opinion the Revs have the most depth in the league with Khano Smith(he sucks but he would be a starter on any other MLS team), Wells Thompson, Kenny Mansally, and lets not forget Taylor Twellman. Let's hope the Revs step up to the challenge, and dont pull a Tony Romo and drop the ball (Seattle fans love that moment but he ultimately gets the last laugh cuz he's banging Jessica Simpson and you're not).

5. "We're Pachuca, all your titles are belong to us" - If you get this title then yes, you are probably a nerd like myself but I digress. That quote should become Pachuca's new club slogan because they have been anally dominating every competition they have entered in like the past 2.5 years. I mean the only regional tournament they haven't won during that competition is like the goddamn Miss USA pageant...........although I think Calero could give John Edward a run for his money in the "Biggest Douche in the Universe" Competition (I cant help myself....I really cant.......the bandana is too much):

- So there you have it......that's our preview for this years Superliga..............if I had to go with a pick for who's goin to win I'd have to say I'm gonna take the Red Wings in 7 games. Let us know who you think is gonna win.......or who's gonna suck it big time in year 2 of Superliga.

Where's Waldo??.... I mean.. Where's Onyewu??

"Oh where, oh where, has Gooooch gone. Oh where, oh where can he be?"

There have been rumors going around that Onyewu could be heading to Fulham, Cologne, or even somewhere in France. But Standard Liege can't find him. They've been trying to get in contact with him since the 22nd of June but he's no where to be found. He was expected to be at their pre-season training, however, he's no where to be found....

He was last seen here.. somewhere in India...

How much is Ar$havin Worth??

Here he is.. you can have him for £24 million!! Yesterday Barcelona bid £12 million and was shot down like a dodo bird with Zenit saying he's worth £24 mill.

This strapping 27-year old fellow lead Zenit St Petersburg to the UEFA Cup victory. In the final he managed to tally two assists in their dominating 2-0 victory against the Scottish side Rangers. He also lost me free breakfast and lunch when he made the Dutch defence look like a bunch of school boys when he lead Russia to a 3-1 victory where he had a goal and an assist in extra time. But when they played Spain in the semi-finals i didn't even know he was on the field

So is a £24 mill price tag fair. In my opinion, not a chance. Lets take a look at the transfer market history and see who else has been moved for a fee of around £24 mill. The names that pop up on this wonderful list are Pavel Nedved £25.5, Daniel Alves £25.33, Arjen Robben £24.46, Mickael Essien £24.43, and Didier Drogba at a whopping £24 million. I know these players hadn't reached their peak before their transfers, except for maybe Robben, at the time they were FAR better players then Arshavin.

What I find even funnier is that Inter bids £8 mill on Lampard who is arguably one the best midfielders in the game. He has scored over 100 goals in 7 years at Chelsea, now if that doesn't seem odd to you get a cat scan cause some thing's wrong upstairs. You may ask, well how many goals did Arshavin score while he's been at Zenit. Well it doesn't matter... Zenit plays in Russia and the leagues aren't exactly at the same level. The age difference... well Lampard is 3 years his senior but the level of play is dramatically different.

This £24 mill price tag is great for Zenit, because the Roman Abramovich (Chelsea's owner) is Russian, and I'm sure he'll pay that pocket change for his home boy. Its amazing what people will pay for players that play great in a couple games in their life.

Is he worth it... I think not....

Crouch finally out??

Hi all of The Orange Card faithful, I'm going to assist w/ the posting on this illustrious site. I figured I'd give you a little insight on who I am. I'm a die hard Liverpool and Revolution fan. I've played footy all my life.. and I live for the beautiful game. The creator of the site and I have won many footy championships together... so get ready for the ride..

Well news on the street says that Peter Crouch is finally on his way out of Liverpool thanks to Portsmouth. The bid was higher then the 9mill bid which the Reds had turned down. One thing is for sure, this move isn't creating alot of room on the bench (see picture).

So now I'm excited... we got rid of Kewell yesterday and Crouch today and maybe Alonso tomorrow. Kewell was a great move because he's made of eggshells. I can't remember the last time he played healthy. Giving him the boot means the Dutchman Ryan Babel a chance to move into the line up with his blazing speed and ability to put the ball in the back of the net. Now with Crouch gone, which is a blessing, we're making room for another forward to come in, because he didn't really do much except sit on the bench and look really awkward. For the past year Crouch has also complained to the media that he wants to play more, well maybe someone should have told him that he doesn't score enough to be put on the pitch. In my opinion 42 goals in 135 games is not good enough when you have Torres that scores 33 in his first season alone.

Now that we've got around 10mill in our pockets maybe we can throw that toward our bid for Garreth Barry and continue on our path toward world domination.

My Tribute To Ray Hudson And His Color Commentating Greatness.

So I was watching the Real Madrid - Barca game(which was anything but a classico) on Gol TV today and thought that not enough people appreciate Ray Hudson's "enthusiasm" for the game, or as I call it..........all around craziness. So in honor of Ray's over the top announcing, I present a video to the uninitiated so they can gain the same appreciation for him that I currently hold:

Week 6 MLS Recap........What The Hell??

Maybe its just me, but what the hell is going on in MLS so far this year? The highly touted uber-team DC United has been playing more like Derby County recently, and last years MVP Luciano Emilio looks about as dangerous as a wet sponge..........here's some other things that are puzzling MLS fans and happened around MLS this week:

Somebody Break Up The Crew: Honestly nobody saw this coming...........the Columbus Crew are 5-1 and looking down and laughing at everybody from the top of the MLS standings. If anybody tells you they predicted this they are lying and you should kick them in the privates......But seriously the Crew are playing good soccer and Schellotto looks as good as ever even after all those off season rumors he didn't want to be in Columbus this year. The Crew have a chance to go to 6-1 this week as long as they score a goal because god knows San Jose couldn't score even if the other team had no one in net............Oh yeah and how about Moreno's flying scissor kick assist to Robbie Rodgers this past week.......Ray Hudson's head probably exploded when he saw it:

Beckham Bends It Like...............Beckham: Just a note to the RSL defense, there are some people in this league that you really shouldn't be leaving open at the top of the box and in a perfect world they wouldn't leave anybody open. But if your going to leave somebody open from 20 yards out, don't let it be someone who is world famous for swerving the ball into the upper 90's of numerous goals throughout his career. Ruud Gullit must be thanking the heavens above that his team can score more than two goals every game because his defense outside of Sean Franklin is a disaster area guaranteed to give up at least a goal per game............so instead of watching their futile attempts at defense, feast your eyes on Beckham doing what he does best:


Westward Bound: You hear that?? That's the sound of Eastern Conference teams celebrating every time they have to play a Western Conference team as the Western Conference is just plain awful this year. The fact that the last place team in the Eastern Conference right now, DC United, would only be two points out of a playoff spot right now is just plain sad. Hopefully the Western Conference can get it together for the good of the league because right now none of them deserve a playoff spot.



Crapitol Hill: Things are not good down in DC right now as they are playing listless, uninspired soccer right now and are languishing as the bottom of the Eastern Conference table. There is simply no reason for a team with so much talent on the roster to be playing so awfully. Their game against Colorado was downright awful on Sunday, and its hard to see them turning it around against Chicago this Thursday mostly because Chicago is on fire(haha I meant that) and because they have had made DC their proverbial Bee-otch in recent years(see last years playoff match-up and everyone before that).......Hopefully DC can call upon some help from their new sponsor, and get Herbie the Love Bug to play for them and score some goals.

Preview: Red Bulls Vs Maple Leafs FC

Ahhhh another thursday night means another edition of MLS Primetime Thursdays, with this weeks matchup taking place up in Maple Syrup-Ville as the Red Bulls take on Toronto FC. It should be a good matchup as Toronto isn't the example of soccer futility anymore and the Red Bulls have been playing pretty decent the last couple games. The only way to break down this matchup is to assess the teams strengths and weaknesses:

Red Bulls Strengths:

Jozy "ridiculous man-child" Altidore - Jozy lives for the spotlight and it wouldn't surprise me to see him go apeshit and roof one in the upper corner on Toronto tonight. That being said, it also helps that the likes of Marco Velez should be marking him............that's like putting Mark Madsen on Lebron James.....successful defending will just not materialize out of that matchup folks.

The return of JPA - If Angel does indeed play tonight, we could see a ritualistic massacre of the Toronto defense if him and the man child get the service they need.................but that's a big if. But just remember what happened last time Angel played in T-Dot:

Red Bulls Weaknesses:

John Conway - Nuff said...................the guy is 18 feet tall and still cant block some easy shots. If he couldn't block a Larentowitz free kick right at him, how is he gonna stop Laurent Roberts rocket launcher on his left foot? And how will he stop any of the class free kicks Amado Guevara can produce?? This point alone could make for an interesting and high scoring game.

The midfield......or lack thereof - The matchup between TFC's suddenly awesome midfield and RBNY's extremely unawesome midfield will probably decide the game tonight. I honestly cant see Claudio Reyna doing much against the buzzsaw in Carl Robinson and the box to box middie in Mo Edu...........I also cant see him doing much because he really hasn't done much during his time in NY except for last game against San Jose but they're an expansion team, so like all of Barry Bonds' home runs when he was 'roided up, that performance from Reyna technically doesn't count.

TFC Strengths:

Bat-Shit Crazy Fans - Say whatever you want when it comes to who have the best fans in the league but in my opinion its not even close, and that makes TFC extremely hard to beat at home. That being said, the one thing I request of TFC fans tonight is that you not start the "this is our house!" chant if you are losing..........especially by alot...........that happened alot last year and it didn't reflect well on your overall intelligence.

Uber Midfield - As stated before in the Red Bulls weaknesses, the disparity between the two midfields is huge and it could help turn this game tonight into a rout of epic proportions. Head Coach John Carver has come in and transformed the midfield into a deadly possession/ triangle passing team, with dangerous skill at every middie position. I wouldn't be surprised if Osorio has to take Reyna out at halftime in order to keep him from being absolutely brutalized for another half, although I hope that Claudio makes me eat my words.

TFC Weaknessess:

Marco "i fuck up alot" Velez - If the RBNY has any smarts at all on their coaching staff, and I'm pretty sure that's what they picked up Osorio for, then they will unleash an all out assault on TFC defender Marco Velez. He is far and away the weakest link on their defense and is prone to unbelievably stupid mistakes at times(example of his shambolic defending).

El Lobo's Temper - With Guevara tearing up the league since returning a couple of weeks ago you gotta figure that hes in for another good game against a less than full strength RBNY team. The one factor is that he may be pressing his game because he will feel like he has something to prove against his old team. That can mean two things: that he either plays out of his mind and pulls a ridiculous goal out of his ass........or that he gets frustrated and lets that famous temper of his take over and take him out of his game. I'm going to lean towards the latter just because I think Osorio will have Stammler shadowing Guevara and that combined with the shitty conditions in the rain tonight will make for an angry Amado.

Prediction:
As much as it pains me to say this, the gulf between the two midfields will be too great for RBNY to overcome and they will be unlucky on a few chances and lose 3-1 with Angel getting a goal in his first game back if he plays. I also predict that there will be another douchebag/asshat Toronto fan who will throw a flare or smoke bomb on the field, damaging the already shitty field turf.

Awesome.

Courtesy of Nikefootball.com comes one of the sickest commercials you will ever see......enjoy.

Power(Less) Rankings

Its been awhile since I've posted on here but I'm serious this time when I say there will be regular updates. I'm graduating from college so I wont have any more papers to bullshit which means a lot more free time to blog(as a side note anybody who needs a writer or has a job opening in media in the NY area give me an email....*wink* *wink*) on all things futbol. So much has happened since I last left you......but I have returned and am bringing gifts in the form of the new "Power(less)" rankings which celebrate the best in MLS futility. So without further wait.........

1. Chivas USA's Defense - Ah how the mighty have fallen...........what was a strength for them last year now resembles that of the traffic cone variety. Seriously, anybody who allows Alan "Anti-Goals" Gordon to get two goals and an assist on them deserves to be relegated to kinderkickers to learn the fundamentals of defense. Hopefully their defenders can turn it around and stop looking like stationary barbershop poles and more like defenders.

2. Dema Kovalenko's Goalie Skills -
As he is a sponsor of this site I'm not sure I should be bringing this up but I think for a moment during the D.C. game this past weekend, Dema Kovalenko forgot that he wasn't a goalie. Although it was illegal I must give kudos to Kovalenko for putting in a better goalkeeping effort than Brad Guzan in recent weeks.



3. HDNET - I have seen soccer games in HD before and I must say that they truly are as my friend Ken would say....."the tits." But although the games look awesome does it really matter if no one is around to see it? I'm all for the league getting money wherever it can, but HDNET is like the island on LOST(without the hot chicks and crazy smoke monster) when it comes to MLS games, the highlights of which all but disappear never to be found again. Hopefully one day archaeologists will be able to discover the HDNET archives and show us all their footy highlights in their crisp high-definition glory.



4. MLS Fantasy - I must admit when I was in first place in my league earlier this year I had no problems with MLS Fantasy but after dropping to third after Landycakes goal orgy in the notsosuperclassico, I have a bone to pick with whoever is running this thing. While I realise that defenders haven't really become important in reality in MLS due to the buttload of goals being scored right now, why even have them in fantasy if they don't get points for playing like last year? I seriously would like to run a 0-5-5 but unfortunately its not allowed in MLS fantasy, and it would probably do me much better than getting -5 from my defenders each week. Also the importance of goalies is too much this year.........I seriously shouldn't be getting 80 bugillion points because bouna time pulled some ridiculous saves out of ass and Chad Barrett cant kick one into the ocean........but I digress.......I would be glad to hear from anyone with good fantasy tips.

5. Dario Sala's Goalkeeping -

I don't really have much to say about Sala's non save on thursday night other than the fact that hes on my fantasy team which probably explains my current standing. But seriously how do you let that go in?? I've seen old people walk across the street faster than that shot..........its not like he shot it with his left foot which has power but the accuracy of a Ben Wallace jump shot........he shot it with his right foot which is the equivalent of a potato pellet gun. Hopefully Sala will take some notes from Kovalenko and make that save next time.

GAM On His Way To MLS FC

A couple of days ago Steven Goff reported on his Soccer Insider blog that GAM had left US Training camp in order to finalize a deal with MLS FC (Fulham FC), and now it appears that MLS has about $3.2 Million reasons to let him go. Should this move actually go through, Johnson will become approximately the 22nd American born player on their roster. The reason that this move seemingly makes no sense is that Johnson supposedly didn't want to go Derby in the summer because they were like the Raiders of the EPL..........Awful. Extremely awful. But in moving to MLS FC, he has kind of made a lateral move quality-wise. It's like picking the Knicks over the T-Wolves right now as They both suck. Alot. In terms of comparing this to the Twellman situation, I dont see what his problem is as Preston North End isn't exactly a step up from MLS at all except that the Dollar sucks compared to the Euro, Pound and everything else these days.............except for the loonie...............HA!.............take that Canada!

The Orange Card's 2008 Mock Superdraft

It's draft time again, and no other place will give you a more detailed lowdown of what each team is going to do this year. This information comes straight from MLS insiders, so you will find it nowhere else. So without further interruption I give you The Orange Cards first ever mock Superdraft.

1. San Jose – The Earthquakes trade their first pick to the Oakland A’s for third baseman Eric Chavez and a cash considerations. Chavez turns out to have more futbol skills than anybody anticipated, and San Jose uses the cash acquired in the trade to build and extra stand for their stadium which currently fits about 5 people. The A’s pick Patrick Nyarko with the first pick and he becomes the next Rickey Henderson……..without the multiple comeback attempts at the end of his career.

2. FC Dallas – With the second pick of the draft Dallas decides to look towards the future and drafts a lock of hair from Juan Toja’s magical mullet. Dallas explains that they will use Toja’s hair to create 11 Toja clones so they will be able to field an all out hustling, intimidating hair team in the year 2028. Unfortunately even with this formidable lineup they will still fail to win MLS cup XXXII.

3. Real Salt Lake – In quite possibly his most genius move since becoming coach of Real Salt Lake, Jason Kreis trades his pick to the creator of the upcoming movie Cloverfield so he can see what the monster looks like before everybody else, and in turn ruin it for everybody. Outrage from the movie being spoiled causes RSL fans to forcibly remove Kreis from his coaching position, leading to the appointment of a 6 year old in his place that does significantly better as coach and leads them to the playoffs.

4. LA Galaxy – Using his unparalleled genius, Alexi Lalas makes the most shocking pick of the draft, selecting himself with the fourth pick. Alexi champions the selection as the beginning of turning the Galaxy into a world recognized “superclub,” and predicts that this pick will help change their fortunes for the upcoming season.

5. Colorado Rapids – They’ll probably pick defender Chance Meyers from UCLA. They really don’t interest me enough to write anything about them. They’re boring. Really boring.

6. Columbus Crew – The Crew use their pick to select the current president of Argentina (insert name here) so he or she can possibly talk Guillermo Barros Schellotto A.K.A “their whole team” into coming back to Columbus. The president’s talk with Schelotto doesn’t manage to bring him back to the Crew, but it does allow them to ink 3 Patagonian wilderness guides without having to use allocations.

7. New York Red Bulls – In doing what nobody saw coming, the Red Bulls manage to select a player they had already selected in a previous draft by selecting Steve Shak once again. Shak, currently working at a deli in northern New Jersey, was surprised to hear the news as he wasn’t eligible to be drafted in the first place. Shak responded to the exciting news by stating, “I’ll try to be good this time around.”

8. FC Dallas – Having selected for the future with their first pick in the first round, Dallas decides to select Dario Sala’s boxing coach with the 8th pick, hoping that he’ll be able to instill some fire in their players and teach them that mean right hook he taught Sala. Upon hearing this news, Hunter Freeman promptly pees his pants and feigns injury when the Red Bulls play Dallas.

9. Toronto FC – In what could go down as the most complicated draft day trade in history, Mo Johnston trades this pick to LA for the rest of their picks in the draft. He then takes those picks and trades them to the New York Islanders for the rights to Chris Simon. He then trades the rights to Chris Simon to UFC for Rampage Jacksons chain and a million dollars, which he then gives to McDonalds for a lifetime supply of Big Macs. Johnston subsequently uses these Big Macs to lure Ronaldo from AC Milan to Toronto where he scores more goals in one season than Toronto did all last year.

10. Toronto FC – See above.

11. Kansas City – The Wizards use their only pick of the first round to select a witty copywriter to come up with cheesy nicknames for all of their players, so everybody will no longer be jealous of Eddie “Grown Ass Man” Johnson. Some of the hideous nicknames developed for the rest of the players include: Kevin “The Hitman” Hartman, Scott “Im not Eddie Johnson” Sealy, and finally Jose “I use a protractor to cut my hair” Burciaga Jr.

12. Chicago Fire – Chicago uses their pick to buy a terminator to go back in time and prevent Peter Wilt from being fired. Unfortunately for Fire fans Sarah Conner comes out of nowhere and kills the terminator, thus consigning Fire fans to their current fate with Steve Guppy in control.

13. New England – Wanting to break the curse of always losing in MLS cup, the Revs use their pick to select New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick. With his sweatshirt wearing, douchebag way of coaching, Belichick leads the Revs to their first MLS cup. Although they win the title, people still hate them because their coach is a massive tool.

14. Real Salt Lake – With the organization still reeling over Kreis’ decision to use RSL’s previous pick to watch Cloverfield before it comes out, they decide to give the pick to the people of Salt Lake so they can do what they want with it. Unfortunately they trade the pick to secure a public screening of Cloverfield before the movie comes out. Even with the two wasted picks, RSL is still better off because of their new six year old coach who is now at the helm.

Eduardo Scores AGAIN; Arsenal Advances

Eduardo, one of the 50 Trillion Brazilians currently playing in Europe, scored for what has to be the 495th time in the last 10 games and led Arsenal to a victory in the 3rd round of the FA cup. Although they were challenged slightly, they eventually kept the universe in order and came through with the win. What makes this unbelievably scary for all those who are not Arsenal fans (luckily not me), is that they have people like Gilberto, Denilson (the good, young one), and Eduardo who aren't even starters or first team regulars. With his team of teenagers who are closer in age to Tweens than young professionals, Arsene Wenger has made everyone eat crow for thinking he couldn't turn these tots into title contenders. We'll see how far he can take these kids, as I have a feeling they can suprise some people not only in the EPL but the Champions League as well.

Its The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year....

Ahhh. Its January, which means it's a new year and it's the beginning of the season every futbol fan looks forward to all year. Yes.....it's transfer window time, where managers bolster their teams for title runs and bad teams acquire players to upgrade to mediocrity. For my beloved Arsenal, they are challenging for the prem league title and will probably not make any major moves. They just have to keep from being distracted by goldenballs and his freekicks while he trains with them to prepare for the 2008 MLS season. Over in MLS land, several teams are poised to add cheap talent to their rosters: DC might have found the next Erpen, and several rumors have linked the geriatric Figo with LA LA land. If your like me, your anxiously awaiting what this wonderful time of year is going to bring us; but to me it can't be better than George Constanza's answering machine. Random reference I know, but it is too classic to forget..................Enjoy: